I'm glad I went to the vet

Odin's liver is a little bit swollen. The blood work should be back tomorrow, but some of this diarrhea could be because his liver is backed up. His kidneys and bladder felt fine.
Like usual, his heart is in afib when the vet listens to it.
She thinks we should do the Holter monitor again because depending on what his heart is doing when it is having the crazy attacks, there could be changes to the medication - like maybe the ventricles are acting up more now, and we could try to control that.
The worst part, however, is that she asked if I'm going to be ok with Odin dying at home (hopefully in his sleep) or if we need to euthanize him. What I took the underlying meaning to be is I am such a freak about this, that if I was with him when he died, unexpectedly, will I be able to handle it? Or do we need to put him to sleep so that I don't go nutso when I'm alone with him?
She said that it's very likely one of these giant afibs (like he had Sunday night and Tuesday night) is going to be too much, and it'll turn into a heart attack, and he'll die. She said it won't be so bad for him, especially if I can sit there with him. He'll have the afib/heart attack, then take a couple really big breaths, then he'll be dead. She said I shouldn't try to do CPR on him, because even when she does it, in the office, it's less than 5% successful - that it will be better for me to just sit next to him and be with him.
And then she started to cry a little.
She said there's no way to know it's coming, and it's a better way for him to die than from the congestive heart failure (which is the one I have all the symptoms for - which, thankfully, so far he isn't in the final stages of). She said with CHF, he's basically going to drown from fluid build up.
So right now, it's a quality of life issue. How uncomfortable is he, is he still having perky moments, and can we control the leaky butt, which is terrible for both of us.
So we'll get the blood work back about his liver for leaky butt, do the Holter again for quality of life, and other than that, just keep watching him.
Like I said in the earlier post, I thought I would be ok with him dying in the night and me being next to him. But after Sunday and Tuesday, I felt really, really panicked.
I think maybe the anticipation, the not knowing when it's going to happen and how, is probably worse. I don't want Odin to die (ever, basically), but this is draining me a little bit.
And just to rub it in, he was all prancy at the vet office.
Also, she said until we get the blood work back, to take him off the dog food and just have him eat mild stuff like cottage cheese, rice, and scrambled eggs, because that might help with the diarrhea.
Then she told me a funny story that made me laugh really hard, that out of respect for her dignity, I won't repeat. It was about horses. While the vet techs did the blood and cleaned his butt for me, I was in there laughing. They love Odin. He's so good.
Stampy had a peanut butter kong out in the car with him (which he also had last night, when Odin went to 4-H with me, in the car) and both times he refused to eat it until Odin and then I got in the car.