Odie had a really rough night Sunday night. He was breathing really loud (loud enough to wake me up) and then, half-asleep, I thought his heart stopped and he stopped breathing. I stayed home with him a few hours Monday morning, but he seemed ok.
Most of Tuesday he seemed totally fine.
Then last night, earlier in the night, the loud breathing started again. This time, because I wasn't half-asleep, but was just sitting there reading, I could see better what was going on. His heart was going super, super crazy and thrashing around in his chest. Not surprisingly, he also pooped all over himself in the night. But while it was thrashing around, his breathing would be loud and, I guess, struggling, then he'd all of a sudden stop making the loud breathing sound and his heart would be really faint. So I'd sit with my hand on him, crying, and then he'd start breathing loud and his heart going crazy again. I don't know what's going on. Are these heart attacks?
I hate the not knowing. Do I need to be worried about this? Should I sit next to him because one might kill him? Or can I go do other stuff in the house because these aren't the symptoms of total heart failure, and thus, I can relax until he starts exhibiting those symptoms.
Thank goodness today is a telecommute day so I can be near him and see if he's still doing ok. I'm feeling kind of overstretched though. I wish I wasn't doing so much so I could just sit next to him until he dies and then go back to the rest of my life.
Oh yeah, and I had been telling myself that Odin was hanging in there for me, and that his life isn't so great now (though he still has some really good days, well, relatively), and so when it's time for him to die, it's going to be ok. But then, in the middle of the night, when I thought he was about to die with me sitting next to him, I am totally, totally not ready for him to die. As much as I want him to die peacefully, with me next to him, I don't want him to die at all.
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